Monday is my son’s birthday. He turns 5 years old! So it was a very hard weekend for me. I had to organize everything although I didn’t have neither forces nor resources to do anything. But I did it. When it comes to my son, there is no “I can’t do that”. So now I am proud to say that everything is organized. He will have his gifts, cake, and celebration at the daycare just like he wanted.
Then I had time to think about my own life and feelings.
Don’t think I am a strong girl. I am not. And I need someone to cheer me up, to say I am brave, to ensure me everything will be ok. But I realize I don’t have that someone. Not yet probably. So what? Should I stay in my bed crying? Should I beg someone who is indifferent to be there for me?
To me, the answer is no. I shouldn’t do that. But if I have no way to change how I feel, I still have a choice. Or I can stay in bed and cry over someone who doesn’t care, or I can go running in the morning and see the sea and probably dolphins. Or lift extra 5 kg at the gym. Or write 500 extra words. It’s always my choice. But the difference is staying in bed won’t help me in getting happier or healthier. Running, working out, writing and working will.
Who knows, maybe tomorrow I will meet my Mr. Right? I should be ready for that. Having an unhappy face or staying at home won’t help me with that. So I should give myself a chance to be happy.
Besides I want to have a long healthy active life. For the last months, I’ve been striving to lose weight. Now there’s only 7 kg to lose left and I am so happy!
One may say it doesn’t matter how much you weight. Oh, it does so matter! I want to enjoy my life. Not just cakes but life. It means I want to ride horses and do horseback jumping again. I want to dance salsa. I want to be able to walk for hours with my son – I adore walking! I want to have sex in all possible ways – just like I do it now. I want my body to always be flexible and strong and sexy, and my skin and my ass to be firm for many many years.
Besides, I just want to be a beautiful, sexy, stately woman. I want my son to be proud of his mom. Not just because she is a good specialist, nice person or good mother but because she is just a fantastic person. One can be a nice person and a sexy woman at the same time. I want him to beam when I come to his school. Well, just the same way as I want my man to beam when he walks with me and sees how other men envy him.
I think many people live their lives constantly explaining themselves why what they desire is bad, why they should settle for what they already have or be happy with what they have although deep inside they know it’s not enough or not what they want at all. They explain themselves why striving for something more is a shame. It’s not right. I am not going to settle for anything less than what I really want in this life.
That’s what I want in life.
I want to be coming home to my best friend, my lover, my rock. I want to feel protected and give him a rear. I want to cuddle with him on the couch watching a movie or tv shows while he is running his fingers through my hair knowing that there is no other place I want to be.
I want to be walking by his hand and kissing him for no real reason. I want never to have to worry if he wants to be with me because as much as I show him he shows me. I want to be sure he is willing to fight for me, our relationship and our love.
To me, true love is also showing him and everybody else how sexy and perfect I am and making sure everybody knows I belong to him and only to him.
True love can’t come without passion. It’s a lot of flirting and wild sex, kinky little sex games only we know we are playing. I will always try and make him feel a male around me. I want us to spicy our life up every day and in every way possible.
I want to always talk too. This weekend I was facing my life and my problems alone although I madly wanted to speak out. I want no more days like it when I have Him in my life. We should talk about everything, about our thoughts, little news and about the world and new things that we discover each day.
There are few times in life that I need a shoulder to cry on but when I do I want to know the one I love is there.
When I feel completely overwhelmed I want to be sure that I have someone to talk to. If I want arms to hold me tightly I want to know he is always there.
And of course, I want to plan our vacations together. I will work and help him to make sure we can afford ourselves any vacations that we want whether it’s Disney parks or romantic cruises just for us two.
I want to have someone to share all these little moments and to know that year after year we are building a million memories together.
I believe I can have that. Even if now I am going through the hard times and there is no one to talk to or to share my fears with. Even if now I have to be my own cheerleader. I know it will change someday. And one day I will wake up in the arms of a man that loves me, feel protected and calm, tenderly kiss him and go to cook him a breakfast. Then feel his hands on my hips while I cook as he wakes up… And impatiently wait for him to come back home after work because he will be my everything. And I will be his breath, his inspiration, his dream, the one who will help him to achieve everything he desires in life.
Everything will be ok. I know it.
But until then… I guess I will do what makes me happy. And if I stumble across someone then so be it, if not I am still happy.