Idea of a perfect woman

“Love leaped out in front of us like a murderer in an alley leaping out of nowhere, and struck us both at once. As lightning strikes, as a Finnish knife strikes! She, by the way, insisted afterwards that it wasn’t so, that we had, of course, loved each other for a long, long time, without knowing each other, never having seen each other… ”
— Mikhail Bulgakov (The Master and Margarita)14938361_602083203321715_4945768887303410613_n

Dwayne calls me his idea of a perfect woman. To me, that’s not just words or a compliment. It’s a standard by which I want to judge myself. As Mikhail Bulgakov said, “There’s only one degree of freshness — the first, which makes it also the last”. You can’t be perfect 10% or 30% or 50% of your time. It’s whether you are perfect or not. It’s great he sees me that way. But it also makes me want to remain on that level as long as I can.

Sometimes we are so much concentrated on our own thoughts and feelings we underestimate others’ ones.

So it was with me and Dwayne. He says he fell in love right away and still it took him time to get my attention and then love. And although he has always been there for me and has been giving it everything he had, I still wasn’t happy. I haven’t noticed how much I am actually loved until the day I read his book.

Well, I think I could have done it before since “Desperate measures” he says he wrote being inspired by me. But somehow I never could read all of it.

But a few weeks ago I did read his new book. Oh my gosh every line was filled with love for me. Sometimes I wanted to cry while reading because it was too touching.

And I guess that meant more to me than any support he ever gave me. I have said plenty of times that our relationship isn’t working in the last year. I thought it’s one year of never being better. Dwayne always repeated we were doing better. And now suddenly we are doing great! I guess now I finally understand him and can say we really want the same. Yes only after our first anniversary.

Warmly,

Nina 🙂

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