The “postponed happiness” trap

People create their problems themselves. Nobody makes them choose boring jobs, marry wrong persons and buy uncomfortable shoes.

Faina Ranevskaya

1 (5)

In 5 hours 2017 year starts. It was a great year for me, I loved a lot, worked a lot, met lots of interesting people, felt myself alive and I guess found the direction in which I want to go in my life. And although I am not sure what tomorrow will bring I am sure I will be only happier.

Happy New Year guys!

And don’t let yourself get caught in the “postponed happiness” trap when you live in tomorrow and in your dreams. Do everything to make your dreams come true today! Make actions to live the perfect life you are dreaming about! You won’t be given another life to live, so take chances now!

Warmly,

Nina 🙂

Getting ready for tomorrow

qf7a5727-%d0%ba%d0%be%d0%bf%d0%b8%d1%8f

Tomorrow there’s a celebration of the New Year at my son’s daycare. It’s so thrilling because it’s the first one where parents are allowed to come. It’s not me who will be there but my son’s father, but anyway I worry a lot.

The room where everything will be held isn’t that big so only one parent can come. I asked my son should it be me or his father and he chose his father. I am not offended, I know my son sees me at the daycare a lot and wants everybody to see his father too – and to show him how he can dance, sing and tell poems.

So I had to organize everything. I made sure my ex-husband would come, made sure he would take a camera… My son’s shirt and costume are ready for tomorrow, the poem is learned and everything seems to be good.

But anyway I worry so much that something may go wrong! Well, I guess all mothers do worry in such situations though 🙂

Love my little one so much 🙂

Warmly,

Nina 🙂

Readiness

82d9003e332cc5e20fc83c910ca3ef73

Today is my birthday – I am getting 27 years old (oh my gosh!) – and I want to talk about luck. Well, I think we all are lucky in many ways. Even if things go bad, even if you are depressed, even if you are overwhelmed – you are alive and you always have options as long as you breathe. And yes I think I am a pretty much lucky woman – I have my little family, I have a man that I love and that loves me and takes care of me, I have a good profession and possibility to work from home, I have a place to live, I am healthy and which is much more important, so is my son.

But all the same, we often think we could be luckier. So why is it that we don’t get what we want? And I found the answer. It’s readiness.

What is luck? To me, it’s when your readiness to have something in your life meets a possibility to get it in your life. So you certainly need readiness for the good luck to accompany you.

It can be explained easily. When you think of something your mind starts searching for it in your reality. If you think of red cars, you will notice lots of them wherever you go. If you think that men are assholes, your brain will make you concentrate only on situations that affirm your opinion. And if you really want to eat or drink, you will actually find possibilities to do it no matter what. It’s readiness. You are ready to receive a certain kind of information, you are ready to do certain actions and your reality provides you with the possibilities to do it.

The same way people that want to suffer attract to themselves possibilities to do it through finding toxic relationships, having bad relationships with people, problems with work, etc.

The thing is you get exactly what you are ready to get. Your whole life is a result of what you were ready to get, what you thought you deserved. And all of us have a complex of readinesses. When we realize what are they we start living more intentionally.

So to build or improve your luck you need to understand what kind of possibilities do you want to find in your life. And realize that all limitations are only in your thoughts.

Warmly,

Nina 🙂

My labor. January 16, 2012

I want to share with you the most important hours and minutes of my life – those when my son was born. I will post here a text I wrote in my diary about that special day.

“The last week of my pregnancy was hard on me. I had horrible migraines. So I was waiting for my baby to be born and wanted it to happen as soon as possible. So it happened on the 38th week of my pregnancy. Elisey was born 52 cm long and with the birth weight 3840 g.

I didn’t sleep the night before labor. I’ve been searching on the internet about how to make labor start faster and went to bed hoping to meet my son soon. But I couldn’t fall asleep. Besides, Kiara seemed nervous, whined and roamed the house. That’s when the water broke up. At 5:20 am. Feeling happy and excited, I cuddled up to my husband asking if he would take me to the hospital himself. He woke up, started smiling and watched me running around, packing my begs and talking.

Then I took shower, drank my tea with milk and at 7:30 am we were at the hospital. Maxim stayed with me for a while, then left for work and I was examined by the doctor. Fights weren’t strong so I could lay down on the bed and even rest.

Then fights became stronger and I started closing my eyes with one hand and silently beat the wall with another one. But I didn’t scream – I thought it was almost the end and was going to be a good patient. Oh how wrong I was!

When the doctor examined me for the second time he told me it didn’t move on. So they placed a drip in my veins on the outer side of my hand. And fights became unbearable! I started moaning for each fight dured about 50 seconds while breaks between them last about 1,5 minutes. It were waves of pain, I felt dizzy, nauseus, and I was almost losing consciousness. I became indifferent to everything that was happening, to me there were just me and this awful pain.

Then they made me epidural anaesthesia. Pain became less strong for some 10 minutes and then started growing back, no matter how the doctors added the anaesthesia. When the pushing stage of labor started I was screaming. Pushing was painful, not pushing was painful too and I started begging for cesarean. They told me if I try better my baby would be born in 40 minutes, if not – in 2 hours. But I couldn’t handle it even during 40 minutes…

When I was on a gynecological chair, pain seemed to be endless. I only saw the doctor taking scissors, and then in a few minutes my son was born. He didn’t scream right away and I asked doctors what’s wrong. And heard my baby crying.

I leant back and relaxed. 2:20 pm. No pain. They added anesthesia and started sewing. It was so much painful but I surrendered to it and lied almost silently. My son was lying in front of me, looking at me with his brown eyes.

When doctors finished they brought me my phone. I wrote to my husband that he became father. He called me and thanked me with trembling voice for our son. I couldn’t speak, my voice was breaking up.

The first minutes after my son was born my maternal love didn’t come. All that I felt was the feeling of relief after hours of pain. But then, when I took my son in my arms and pushed him to my chest, I realized how much I loved him. This love is the strongest feeling I’ve ever had”.

Building myself

      qvr3abtnyho

It’s the end of this year and I am sorting things and thoughts and preparing for the new 2017 year. I am also reading a great book “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter – and How to Make the Most of Them Now” by Meg Jay. I love this book, it really makes me think of my life and of possibilities – that I have yet and that I can lose one day.

I am actually thinking of my identity capital which is a complex of personal actives and personal resources that we accumulate during our life. It’s basically investments that we make in ourselves, it’s how we create ourselves. And our whole life – personal, professional, etc. – depends on what did we accumulate and how we use it.

You can be a great person but waste your time and energy on unimportant things or giving ordinary things too big importance. Dwayne asked me once why do I want to work and why do I want to go to school next year, is it because I want to or because society thinks I should. To me, the major reason is I don’t want to procrastinate now and in 10 or 20 years when I still will be a young active woman to reap the products of this procrastination.

Yes, right now who cares if I passed 6 or 8 years in university. Although for the last 6 years I’ve been working as an interpreter, I can easily find a job – I often receive work offers from companies and hotels. But I don’t want to receive them when I will be 35 or 40 years old. I don’t want to have a perspective of working as a secretary when I will reach 40 years old, I deserve much better.

I know I am doing an important thing being a mother. I know I read a lot and I know a lot. But they don’t pay you for what you know – they pay you for what you do. And I want to become a better specialist now to increase my experience by my 35-40 years old. I don’t want to wait until my son gets a  teen to start my career anew and do things I wouldn’t do even in my twenties.

Some would say that 6 years in university is a lot and why shouldn’t it be enough for me?

Well, when I finished school at 17 years old and passed exams with 91/100 points in French language and 36/100 in Maths I realized the best way was to go study Linguistics. I didn’t really like languages and I thought I would never really work in this domain because most graduates from the Linguistics chair worked as salesmen, managers and such. But my dad finished college and university and my mother had graduated from 2 universities so I had to go to university anyway.

Then I moved to the South and changed the university. Since I didn’t really care about what would be written in my diploma I have chosen to become a specialist in tourism. I was a good student and excellently passed the final examinations. At the same time, I worked on the chair at this same university and wasn’t really sure what kind of work I would like to do afterwards.

Then I thought that I would get married, get babies and that’s what would make me a successful woman. I thought nothing else matters for a woman and I had a fiancee that adored me and we were going to get married so I though I almost succeeded in life. Only now I understand that a woman should be something more than just an addition to a soup ladle. Not even for her man but for herself too.

Then the day came when I received a job offer from a winery founded by Swisses in my city. I was 21 years old and I easily passed an interview in French and they accepted my candidature. That’s how my career of interpreter started.

I fell in love with this job. I adored going to the winery and walk thru the fields and vineyards, I loved writing in French and translating things into Russian, I loved laughing in the car and talking with experienced specialists, I liked the fact I could wear pencil skirts and heels in the office and jeans and converses on the site. I realized it’s the job that excites and inspires me.

So now I want to pass 2 more years learning Linguistics. It’s not a must for me, it’s a want. I could never imagine one day I would say I dream of going to school. But I really do now.

Another thing that I think about is how am I building myself. I am not talking of general terms like being a mom or a specialist or anything. I am talking about all those little things that make me and that form not only my personality but also my body. And it’s not right talking about a person only in terms of his or her mind. We cannot neglect our body. We cannot pretend it’s not what is important. It’s fucking important.

I often complain that I buy coffee (I adore Lavazza!). Dwayne asks why and I say because I drink it with milk and it’s 440 calories per day. He laughs but to me, it’s very serious. He says he loves me no matter how much I weight. But our body is a result of our attitude towards ourselves. Yes, it’s only 440 calories per day and the whole 3 080 calories per week! The same way if I go to the gym each day and stay there 10 more minutes a day it makes 70 additional minutes a week. So here is the attitude part – there are people that prefer eating 3000 additional calories per week (and some eat them daily!) and people that prefer to do additional efforts to be more healthy and strong.

Yes, some may say it’s just a cake. But I want to eat all the “cakes” life has to offer me – and I am not talking literally. I think if I choose the healthy life I win much more than an additional cake each day or 440 calories each day. It’s horseback riding, it’s wearing high heels all day long, it’s being carried by my man, it’s having a better sex and lots of other things. Are literal cakes worth losing these possibilities? To me, they aren’t.

So each time when I do something I ask myself if it makes me progress in my life and in my goals or does it bring me back to the things that I want to change or leave behind?

We all can and should build ourselves. And of course, we can’t live our whole life in our thoughts and dreams – we must take actions to make our dreams and hopes come true.

Warmly,

Nina 🙂

Wanderschaft

They say that everyone has two lives – and the second one begins when we realize we only live once. I have already written that today we have a possibility to live 2, 3 or more lives during the 60-70-80 or more years that we have. But this also makes us waste our time – sometimes until it’s too late to change something.

Now I will turn 27 years old in one week. It’s a lot. Of course, I did some things during those 27 years – I became a mother, I passed 6 years in university, I have a good work experience, I was married, I learned 4 foreign languages, I traveled… But anyway I feel like I have wasted a lot of my time on unimportant things and haven’t done what’s really important.

I catch myself on thinking that the perfect Nina lives somewhere in my mind, but I just don’t let her become real. I guess we all don’t dare us perfect happen and it makes us live in dreams hoping that tomorrow something will change but it doesn’t. I might be better than others in some ways but I am not the best version of myself – and there is no real reason why I am not. It’s just me being lazy and hoping that tomorrow everything will get fixed itself.

But as Jack Canfield says, “nothing will change to the better until YOU do”. And he is so much right!

I know that if one gets better on 1% each day it will make him 90% better in just 3 months. But we all often postpone things and postpone our happiness until it’s too late. Or we think that if we wait a little bit longer, then we will do everything at once by just a bigger effort and it never works. Just like with my diet. If I was losing 1 kg each month I would have already reached my perfect weight. Instead of that I always think “Okay I will eat this cake right now but then lose 10 kg in one month”. It never works. And I still have my 10 kg that I need to lose to get my perfect weight.

We all have just one life. And so very little of active life, I mean years when we really can enjoy our life. I think we all live our lives as if we had 20 more lives to live. Like if it was the first draft. But the reality is we will die and we should try to be as happy as we can RIGHT NOW and do as much as we can RIGHT NOW.

Dreaming is great, but there must be actions too. So I decided that I won’t settle for dreams instead of making them my reality. I am taking all the responsibility for my life. I can live up until I’m 70 yrs old and then tell myself “well it didn’t work” and find excuses… but it’s bullshit.

I am not going to bury my dreams with me one day. I am going to make them happen 🙂

Warmly,

Nina

My passion

Last weekend I watched old pictures and memories of the happiest days in my life came to my mind.

I have a few passions in my life. It’s dogs, horses, belly dance and poetry. But horses and dogs are the biggest ones.

I started taking horseback riding lessons when I was 11 years old. And since then I adore the smell of horses, I adore sitting on them, I adore the feeling of elation and of freedom when you gallop through a field.

When I was 14 years old I could ride pretty well, I did horseback jumping and was, in general, a skilled rider. Well, that’s how I saw myself and how my parents saw me. So they bought me a 14 days trip to an archaeological site Arkaim. There was a group of riders that were supposed to move from one city to another on horses, sleep in tents, cook the meal on fire and then come back – on horses of course.
It seemed easy to me. I could jump on horses, I knew how to make a horse change leading legs on gallop and a whole lot of other things that – I found out later – were of no use when you are on a horse’s back in the midst of a field.

To me, it was like finding myself on high seas after training in a swimming pool. We had to climb real mountants on horses, cross rivers on them and actually ride 10 hours a day when it’s up to +40. Of course no helmets or even cell phones. Just us, horses, tents and food that we could carry on ourselves.

I remember one day when we were crossing a steppe. Suddenly heat changed in a heavy cloudy day. And then suddenly started a rain with thunder and flashes of lightning. In one minute we got all wet.

In another minute I realized someone who was leading the way decided to gallop to the trees that we could see away from us. The next second I felt my horse started galloping too and she was increasing and increasing her speed trying to catch up with others. I could see almost nothing because of the wall of rain, so I just laid on her neck and prayed there were no gophers’ dens on our way to make a horse fall. Adrenaline made me make her move forward faster and when we finally got under the trees I was feeling so great!

After that experience, I have a habit of holding reins with only one hand, holding it with two hands makes me feel like I have less control.

I believe it’s with the horseback riding that all my strongest emotions I ever had are tied with.

Warmly,

Nina 🙂